Take that

Jun. 20th, 2010 12:01 am
magicelli: (boom)
[personal profile] magicelli
Consciously, I no longer think of myself as a person who is constantly teased. I no longer think of myself as a social reject, the ugly kid who no one will talk to except to make fun of. But I think the battle to stop being so terrified I would get squashed if I opened my mouth, such a fierce battle that I eventually was unable to speak without creating more problems for myself, changed who I was on such a fundamental level that I will never truly overcome it.

I know I make it sound incredibly dramatic. I don't even know if the outcome of being treated that way is wholly bad, so don't think I'm whining.

I can address a group now without squeaking, without my words twisting nervously out of my mouth to form statements which make little sense and hurt other people without meaning to. I can make new friends, I can even make a good first impression, now.

That was the first fight. I won that one. The second one was to move beyond the constant need for outside approval. You can't effectively love yourself if you don't believe that anyone else does unless you're arrogant to the point of narcissism. So for the longest time, I had to fight to find even a scrap of self-worth to cling to. Slowly, over the years, I was able to find that scrap and groom it and nurture it into a real self-affirming force. I won that fight, too.

There were a couple more down the road after that. Paranoia that everyone secretly hated me. Constantly hearing slights and jabs where there were none. Just feeling comfortable with my self in a room.

Then the next big one - letting go of my anger and the bitter hurt so that I could actually become a nice person. Forcing myself to think of others, now that they were good guys again, to take into consideration how they felt, what they needed, and what I could do to make their lives easier. I'm probably going to be working on that one for the rest of my life, but I've made a serious dent in it.

But there's one left, one gruesome and nasty scar, most of the time dormant and buried, but it sticks out a little bit from time to time and more occasionally rears its ugly head in a devastating way.

The feeling like I wasted half my life getting what most people seemed to either be born with, or seemed to have achieved by the end of high school. The feeling of being behind. Of being a social late bloomer.

I know that a lot of people went through the same thing. A lot of people are in the same place as I am. I'm not trying to prove that I'm better or worse off than anyone else. But sometimes, I just wonder how things might have been different for me if I'd gotten a chance to be this person when I was much younger. A studious person in the days of school. A reliable person in the early years of my career. A confident person when I still had the chance to do anything I wanted. Sing opera. March in drum corps. Act on the stage. A nice person when I still turned heads.

I know I'm not old, or boring, or washed up, or ugly. I know that I'm still alive and vibrant and interesting. I have everything I ever wanted out of life, on a fundamental level, aside from the part where I'm currently between jobs. A house, a husband, a great kid, some annoying cats, a fantastic group of friends, a good relationship with my family, a choir which is practically like family. I'm not regretting a damn thing, and I am sure that if I'd gotten this confidence and this humility and this kindness when I was younger, I wouldn't be the person that I was today.

But some days I just react to life like a person who was screwed out of something. Like a person who got the shaft. I overcame the shaft, but I sometimes feel like I got it all the same.

Well, I say to you, feelings of shaftedness, you are full of SHIT. You are invalid. You are STUPID. I renounce you. Go the fuck away already, I don't want you hanging around here. Because all you do is make me maudlin and jealous and pouty and that's not a good look for me.

Usually I get control of that crap pretty quick. I think being jobless is making it harder to shake. Either way, I've done everything I can recently to nip it in the bud and it won't shut up. So that's where I am right now. I'm feeling resentful and a bit angry, and that probably means that I am an entitled jerk-face and should just be grateful for everything that I have.

And I AM! I'm grateful that I have the ability to write really really fast and put all this out in the world so I can annoy the crap out of anyone who may of actually made it to the bottom of this mess, which completely fell apart after about paragraph 7.

You're all practically screaming at me to get to the point now, aren't you? I had you at 'incredibly dramatic' and lost you at shaftedness, admit it.

There. I made myself laugh. See? It's not so hard. There's tons of people out there who were never teased on the playground who probably can't even make themselves laugh. I win.

Do you hear that, you non-sharing, red-rubber-ball-flinging, cross-eyeded-comment-making, nerd-calling, weird-hating normal people!?

I.

Win.
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