magicelli: (face)
The kittens are all gone, one way or another.

We saved 3 kittens and the mother. I wish I could believe that my best was good enough - in many ways I feel proud for having saved them, but more than that I feel sad that I didn't save more of them.

I have always been upset by death. Usually, it's been because whomever died was now gone. It's their absence in my life that upsets me so much. It's one thing if someone moves away, or stops being your friend. In those cases, they are still out there, making their mark on the world, and there's always that slim chance they will be a part of your life again. With death, that's it. It's just done.

This was different, though. This was upsetting because the animals suffered, or because they never had a chance to live, never knew any happiness or cofort. Two of them did get a taste of human kindness at the end. But watching an animal suffer and die and everything you do not being enough is a horrible and helpless feeling.

I wasn't going to post anything long. I was just going to say that it was done and I was relieved. But the main way that its affected me is a bit disturbing. I put it aside. I put the grief and sorrow of it aside as a measure of self preservation. And not in the ways I've done that before - there have been times when I've pushed feelings aside because I couldn't deal with them at the time, and then let them out later. This I think I protected myself from in the first place and I don't think I'll be needing to revisit it. Does this mean that I'm taking some steps toward a less sensitive me? I don't want to do that. I really really don't. I'd so much rather be me, what I am, what I have always been, even if it means feeling things as accutely as I do. I'll live.

But I'm still puzzled by how I handled this and what it means. I cried, it's true. I cried when each of the 3 kitties died - who wouldn't? To see such tiny animals in pain is not something anyone should have to go through. And I'm not feeling guilty for feeling relieved that they are gone - and in good hands - because that would be stupid. Of course I'm relieved. I'd do everything again the same in a heartbeat. But I don't know why I'm as ok as I am and I don't think it's a matter of 'growing up' or something. I just couldn't let it get under my skin. I coudln't afford it. Now I'm babbling. Maybe I should just go back to

YAY, the kittens are all taken care of and it's over!!! YAY!

There, that's what I meant to say.
magicelli: (rat)
Well, I'm certainly at my wits end here with this whole kitten thing. People keep talking about my big heart (my husband, my nephew, the vet) and it's starting to feel like a curse.

Scout died this morning. They aren't sure why she didn't make it (she did get better in the middle there) but she never recovered enough. They are going to test her for feline lukemia and stuff, though.

I am so tired of this. Tired of putting my energy and heart into something that I know is right but is starting to seem so pointless.

I'm sure I'll be ok. I'm going to catch those kittens and get homes for them, or give them to an agency that adopts out kittens (I've been corresponding with one via email who will probably take them) as soon as I can and try to put this whole thing behind me. I will probably still put in some volunteer time with Happy Tails or something, because I can't sit by and do nothing. But it will be a while before I'll want to deal with this kind of thing again. Well, I'll never want to deal with this sort of thing again, not really.

I wish I just had an emotion chip I could turn off when things like this happened. Why should I care? She was just a kitten and I tried everything I could not to get emotionally attached. It did NOT work. Stupid emotions.

Bleah

Jul. 16th, 2006 09:44 pm
magicelli: (flashpants)
Long weekend. Not in a good way. Tiring, etc.

We got one kitten adopted today, yay! That leaves 3 plus the mommy. There is a kitty saving group from the north bay that spends a reasonable amount of time up here in Sac that will take any kittens we can't find homes for - as well as the mom. They have feral colonies as well as an adoption service.

We caught a total of 3 cats today - two kittens (the white and grey one who isn't Scout and the orange one) and the mother. She was ferocious. She ran smack into the door of the cage trying to get out and managed to scratch me through the bars. The orange one was passed off to his new owner fairly easily and I have renewed hope that they are in fact tamable. We let the mom out because we know we should catch her last. The white and gray one got away, but we're fairly sure we can catch them again (maybe not the mom) because they are still hanging out in the yard. We're not going to feed them again until tomorrow evening when we try to catch them. Wish us luck!

As for the weekend in general, [livejournal.com profile] werdmaster was here, which was nice. I don't get to see him enough these days! But I spent most of my time worrying about the kittens and responding to emails and posts about them... I don't feel very rested or very ready to go back to work tomorrow. I hate that. But what else was I supposed to do? We've poured more money and time into these kittens than anyone should have to do. I think I'm going to volunteer for Happy Tails or something after this - I realize how much work and worry is caused by stupid people not fixing and then abandoning their cats.

Bleah. At least I managed to clean the kitchen and do some laundry.
magicelli: (flashpants)
We are cathing the kitties tomorrow, no matter what it takes. We borrowed a fence thingy from [livejournal.com profile] the_misha and [livejournal.com profile] tiggrrl today, but it turns out we won't need it as we borrowed a huge dog kennel thingy from [livejournal.com profile] mahdi's aunt tonight. We should give that back asap since it's used to keep teh babby out of the kitchen. :)

We shall stick them in the thingy and see how it goes.

We've gotten a fair amount of responses from Craigslist, so hopefully we will find homes or foster care for all of them.

Thanks everyone!!!@#@!
magicelli: (flants)
4 feral kitties. In yard. Somewhere in the range of 6-8 weeks old.

If you have any possible ability to foster one of these kittens, please let us know right away. We have 4 cats and can't take them in but they do need to be tamed sooner rather than later, according to every source that we've checked with.

If you want to actually keep one, even better. There's an orange and white one, an orange tabby, a grey tabby, and a grey and white one with a splotch on her nose. She looks a lot like Scout, but with a splotch.

Scout is in good hands right now and hopefully will be ok. (it's a loonng story)

Also, even if you can't help, repost this everywhere you can and try to help us find people.


Lastly and most hard to ask, if you don't have the space, time or know-how, a financial donation to vet visits and food would also be accepted. (and greatly appreciated)


Thank you!!!!!!!
magicelli: (flants)
So it wasn't Scout who we found this morning. It was one of her siblings, though. Also, the two who had been missing for a couple of days (the orange and white one and the dark grey one) are back now. It's still sad, but losing 1 is better than 3.

Scout doesn't look so good though. She's so tiny and frail and just seems to be less and less perky as the days wear on. I would think they'd be getting better, since we're feeding them and stuff? The one who got hit was pretty shagged out when I had seen him last - he looked slow on his feet and even a bit woozy. I just hope they aren't sick and that we can help them before it's too late. What if they all have some disease?

This is why I wasn't a vet, or a doctor. I get very attached to beings in need and if I lived like this all the time I would probably go mad and eat my own feet.

We're seriously considering a trap and leaving the taming to the pros. If they will take them...

Sad

Jul. 14th, 2006 08:31 am
magicelli: (Default)
This morning is so far a bit crappy. I took that picture of that kitten last night - of all the kittens, she was the bravest, the most curious, and also my favorite.

She was hit by a car and laying in the road when my coworker Amy got to my house to pick me up.

I said I hadn't named the kittens because I didn't want to get too attached to them, but that I felt sad that she'd died without a name. Amy asserted that it wasn't too late to name her, so we did.

Goodbye, Scout. I promise to try to keep your siblings from the same fate.
magicelli: (flants)
The ongoing attempts to help the kittens go on. We've discovered that they do have a mama (a thin grey kitty who seems more tame than not, but still won't let you pet her) and there are only 4 kittens now that we can tell. The white and orange one and the grey tabby have not put in an appearance in days. I hope they didn't die. :(

The bravest of the kittens is starting to let me get closer. I took this picture this afternoon:



We can't afford to feed them forever, so I hope we can help them the way we're doing it. (getting them used to us and trying to pet them, then taking them to the SPCA if they are tame enough to be petted)

Argh

Jun. 29th, 2006 07:05 pm
magicelli: (flashpants)
So we caught two of the kittens today - which is to say we had them in our hands. These cats are NOT tame. They completely freaked out and bit Michael the first time barehanded and the second right through his work gloves. I've never heard a kitten that size make that much noise. I'm pretty sure they're feral, and not sure what to do now. *sigh* I just want them to be rescued if possible, or if not, I guess we wait until they are older, catch them again and have them fixed? Or if we'd held on the the little blighter, might we have calmed it down? Or do you just put it kicking and screaming into a box and take it to the SPCA? I'm sure that the pound would destroy them. I just think they are too old to be tamed at this point. Am I missing something?

HELP!

Jun. 27th, 2006 07:12 pm
magicelli: (flants)
For everyone, though I think [livejournal.com profile] tiggrrl might have some experience in this arena...

The freaking cutest kittens are hiding in our garage. At least part of the time. I think I saw their mom too, she looks more tame but might be injured, she moves reluctantly. They are fast little buggers (maybe 6 weeks?) and I can't catch them.

What do I do? I want to make sure they are ok and stuff, maybe get the mommy fixed etc.

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