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Content, what's that?
Apr. 7th, 2008 10:52 pmTime time time...
I used to have all the time ever. Once, a long time ago, I would come home from work, go out with my friends to dinner, go out and have a drink, go home, read, write, play on my computer, do whatever I wanted. Stay up late, go to work again. Never sleep, never worry about the future.
I've never been good at managing my time. I don't think I even used to know that there weren't enough hours in the day, no matter what I thought I knew.
Now my day is full of overlapping responsibilities - I should be working at the same time as cleaning, the same time as taking care of the baby, the same time as eating, sleeping, and doing things to keep me sane, like singing, playing the trumpet, writing, and playing.
Some of them roll together well - like taking care of the baby and playing. Some of them not so well, like sleeping and playing the trumpet. I'd like to see someone pull that off.
It turns out that in order to have free time, I have to plan things very carefully. I mean, yeah, it's obvious, blah blah blah, but my real problem is that I'm an all or nothing type of girl. Can I sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy myself if I haven't done all the things I need to get done? And when I say, "All the things I need to get done," does that mean the things I needed to do today, or all the things EVER? I have clean clothes and all my clean laundry is put away. I did two loads today. So I should be able to enjoy this time I have, right? The baby is asleep and Michael is in bed, and I have a kaluha and cream here. Shouldn't I be happy? Or should I be sitting here thinking about the laundry on the floor of my closet, wondering when I'm going to have time to do it?
I'm not actually complaining. Really. I have so few complaints about my life. I mean, this is pretty much all there is to complain about:
1. allergies
2. family ... I don't want say drama. Let's say 'unresolved issues'
3. money is tight
4. not enough time in the day!!!!
That's almost it. I don't work enough hours, but that's going to change when tax season is over. Then I'll have to go through separation anxiety, leaving the baby with grandma two days a week.
I say almost because there's the one underlying thing that's been the cause of every true issue I've had since as long as I can remember...
Self-esteem. Seriously, it's the one thing I wish I had more than anything else. I have a fair amount to say on the subject, ranging from why my parents didn't instill it in me, how I've gained more over the years, and how important it will be for us to keep from causing the same issues in Tegan. But... well... you know. Time. I will have to find some and use it for that purpose.
I used to have all the time ever. Once, a long time ago, I would come home from work, go out with my friends to dinner, go out and have a drink, go home, read, write, play on my computer, do whatever I wanted. Stay up late, go to work again. Never sleep, never worry about the future.
I've never been good at managing my time. I don't think I even used to know that there weren't enough hours in the day, no matter what I thought I knew.
Now my day is full of overlapping responsibilities - I should be working at the same time as cleaning, the same time as taking care of the baby, the same time as eating, sleeping, and doing things to keep me sane, like singing, playing the trumpet, writing, and playing.
Some of them roll together well - like taking care of the baby and playing. Some of them not so well, like sleeping and playing the trumpet. I'd like to see someone pull that off.
It turns out that in order to have free time, I have to plan things very carefully. I mean, yeah, it's obvious, blah blah blah, but my real problem is that I'm an all or nothing type of girl. Can I sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy myself if I haven't done all the things I need to get done? And when I say, "All the things I need to get done," does that mean the things I needed to do today, or all the things EVER? I have clean clothes and all my clean laundry is put away. I did two loads today. So I should be able to enjoy this time I have, right? The baby is asleep and Michael is in bed, and I have a kaluha and cream here. Shouldn't I be happy? Or should I be sitting here thinking about the laundry on the floor of my closet, wondering when I'm going to have time to do it?
I'm not actually complaining. Really. I have so few complaints about my life. I mean, this is pretty much all there is to complain about:
1. allergies
2. family ... I don't want say drama. Let's say 'unresolved issues'
3. money is tight
4. not enough time in the day!!!!
That's almost it. I don't work enough hours, but that's going to change when tax season is over. Then I'll have to go through separation anxiety, leaving the baby with grandma two days a week.
I say almost because there's the one underlying thing that's been the cause of every true issue I've had since as long as I can remember...
Self-esteem. Seriously, it's the one thing I wish I had more than anything else. I have a fair amount to say on the subject, ranging from why my parents didn't instill it in me, how I've gained more over the years, and how important it will be for us to keep from causing the same issues in Tegan. But... well... you know. Time. I will have to find some and use it for that purpose.
